Weak
by Star of Recca
Summary: what if Minami had fatally injured Rukawa? what does Sendoh have to say about everything?


Weak

  
Disclaimer: Slam Dunk = not mine.

_this fic is for Crystal-neechan. angst with romance, you like that, ne? thank you for trying to cheer me up and making me talk all those times. "I feel like Sendoh when I talk to you." Akira always manages to make Kaede smile, ne? likewise, you make me smile. thank you._

  
Do you ever regret the things you've done in your life?  
  
Sometimes, I do. I regret seeing an orange rubber ball for the first time in my life. I regret watching the players in the NBA on television. I regret picking up that rubber ball and heading towards the nearest basketball court, motivated by the sheer adrenaline I felt just being a spectator to a game taking place on the other side of the world. I regret training hard, practicing even harder, to be the best.  
  
Imagine what might have been, or might not have been, if I hadn't done all those things. I wouldn't have ended up in Shohoku High School, in their basketball team. I wouldn't have become their "Super Rookie", their Ace player. I wouldn't have helped them make it into the IH. I wouldn't have played against Toyotama in their first game there.  
  
I wouldn't have lost my sight.  
  
The pain, the shock, and then the darkness. I can still feel it now. I don't even have to think very hard to bring it all back. I remember crashing into the floor. I remember being lifted onto a stretcher. I remember the sound of the siren, the ambulance rushing me to a hospital.  
  
When I woke up, I felt the soft sheets of the hospital bed, the coarse woollen blanket, the hard pillow. I smelt the medicine that reeked the air, the clinical atmosphere, the flowers that someone had placed next to my bed. I tasted the lousy trash the hospital called "food". I heard voices, the strange, hostile ones of the nurses, the calm ones of the doctors, the frantic, familiar ones of people I knew.  
  
A bunch of girls crying. Ch', weaklings. I don't even know them. Mitsui and Miyagi's rough voices, Sakuragi arguing with them in that irritating tone, the mild chidings of Kogure that shut them up eventually. Ayako's voice seemed higher than usual; maybe because she was conversing with Akagi and Anzai-sensei. Akagi's speech makes almost anyone else's sound shrill.  
  
I heard the rest of my teammates too, in the background. They were all talking amongst themselves. Did anyone even realise I was awake? Apparently not. No, wait. There is a voice, close to my ear, a gentle whisper that is so familiar, yet I cannot place it.  
  
"You're awake, Rukawa-kun. You'll be fine. Don't worry."  
  
I could hear the smile in the voice. A friendly smile, one I had seen so many times before. But this time, it seemed different, somehow. Sendoh Akira's smile.  
  
What was he doing here? Shouldn't he be back in Kanagawa? Ryonan didn't come to the IH. Or am I back in Kanagawa already? No, that can't be, what would Shohoku be doing here then?  
  
I had so many questions. I wanted to ask him. I opened my mouth, then closed it again. Should I, or shouldn't I? Before my mind made itself up, my body had taken over. Sleep reclaimed me, healing my bruised, tired body.  
  
Eventually, the shock and pain went away. The blackness did not.  
  
There was a lot of protest when I told them I wanted to go back to my own home, instead of staying in the hospital. Who would take care of me, cook for me, clean up for me? All the things I once could do, had taken for granted... suddenly, I was useless. Weak. I couldn't even go to the bathroom in the ward by myself.  
  
I stayed a long time in that ward; how long exactly, I do not remember. All I know is, he came to see me every day. Always with the cheerful tone and gentle touch as he greeted me. I could feel the smile, the smile that told me everything was all right. As long as he was there to tell me so, everything was okay.  
  
I fought against that feeling for a long time. Sendoh was my rival. He should be glad that I can no longer play. Now he will be the best player in Japan. He must be busy, being the captain of Ryonan, not to mention schoolwork and family responsibilities. And still he came to see me every single day.  
  
Now that I could no longer play, there was no point in talking to him about basketball. Sure, he told me about the teams, how Shohoku still lost to Kainan, how Ryonan beat Shoyo. Other than that, though, we talked about other things, things that we never would have discussed if not for my... accident. After a long time, I finally gave in and accepted him. As my best friend. My only friend. The friend who took me back to his home after the doctors agreed that I could be discharged. The friend whose family took me in, informally adopting me as one of them.  
  
I was grateful. I could express that to his parents, through muttered thanks barely audible to their ears. But I could never say thank you to him. The words just didn't form on my lips whenever I wanted them to.  
  
He took me with him whenever Ryonan had a match. I sat on the bench next to his teammates during the game, most often with Hikoichi, who would narrate the game-play to me excitedly. His pitch grew when Sendoh made a good steal, passed his defenders, made a beautiful shot. My heartbeat increased too at those moments. I was proud of Sendoh, and jealous at the same time.  
  
Jealous, and angry. Angry at Minami, at all the people who could still play basketball, at the world. But mostly at me, Rukawa Kaede, too clever for his own good. I had so many confused, pent-up emotions inside me. I punched pillows, hit the walls with my bare fist. It hurt, but I never cried. Crying is for weaklings.  
  
One time I hated myself so much, I just wanted everything to end. I was fuming, disgusted, and exhausted. I felt my way to the toilet, stood at the sink, and faced the mirror. My right hand clenched tightly into a fist, a fist that I slammed right into the mirror, shattering it into a million pieces. Shards that would have been glittering as they fell around me, if I had been able to see them. I bent down, felt for a large, angular piece, put it to my left wrist, and slashed at it.  
  
I expected it to hurt a lot. It didn't; instead, I felt a sort of euphoria, as if some of my feelings were released along with the blood. What little pain there was just seemed to symbolise the hurt I felt inside. My fingers worked feverishly, releasing more blood and more pain with each cut.  
  
I heard the door open; I had forgotten to lock it. I heard a gasp, and then a yell as Sendoh dropped to his knees behind me. Arms came around me, locking me in their embrace, preventing me from hurting myself any longer. He yelled again, telling his mother to call the ambulance, Kaede needs help.  
  
I wanted to tell him to stop it, to let me go. To let me continue. If I succeeded, I wouldn't have to trouble him or his family any longer. I would be a burden no more. He wouldn't let me go. He hugged me tighter, all the while asking why, why did you do this to yourself, Kaede? I told you everything would be okay. Don't you trust me, Kaede?  
  
I broke at those last words. I cried, tears pouring down my cheeks, wetting my matted hair, my blood-stained shirt, Sendoh's polo shirt. I dropped the glass and hit the floor with all my might. I hit him when he grabbed my arm, wrenching around to assault his broad chest with my right arm. And still he held me, rocking me gently, taking the blows without a sound as he waited anxiously for the ambulance. I blacked out before it came.  
  
The second time I woke up in a hospital. Everything was still dark. I felt Sendoh's presence next to me, the same calm voice saying, "You're awake, Kaede. You'll be fine. Don't worry."  
  
Has he forgiven me for doubting him? I never even said thank you to him for all that he's done for me. I don't deserve any of it. So why, why is he still by my side even now?  
  
"Akira."  
  
"Yes?" The sweet, gentle voice I had come to know, to depend on, to trust, and... to love.  
  
"I... I'm sorry."  
  
I felt him smile. I've never seen him smile softly, the way I feel it now, yet I can imagine his lips barely curving, eyes twinkling with concern. "Nothing to be sorry about. But I forgive you."  
  
"Akira?"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"I... Thank you."  
  
"You're my friend, remember? I'd do anything for you. No need to thank me." That same smile again, slightly brighter now. I heard him shift position in his chair. I imagined him leaning over to face me fully.  
  
"Akira..."  
  
"Kaede."  
  
"... I love you."  
  
There was a short silence, and I stiffened. Stupid, stupid! Revealing your feelings, getting soft... Smart move. He must hate you now, Rukawa, you baka. Weakling.  
  
Then... I felt a warm hand in mine, squeezing softly, entwining its fingers in mine. And warm lips pressing themselves on my forehead, on my cheek...  
  
"I love you too, Kaede."  
  
... On my lips.  
  
Do you ever regret the things you've done in your life?  
  
Most of the time, I don't. If not for basketball, I would never have had some of the best victories in my life. I would never have met him. I would never have known what love means. I would never have known that sometimes, it's all right to show your weaknesses.  
  
My world is still pitch-black. But that's okay. As long as I have Akira to tell me that I'll be fine, I don't have to worry. As long as I can feel his smile, I'll always have a twinkling star to guide me through the night. 

~love without an end~ 


End file.
